Mr. Spock, Engage the Tractor Beam! I Have Bags Under My Eyes!

You know how people keep saying that Science has become the new Religion? Well, I can see what they're saying. Why? Because somewhere along the line, women stopped praying (and sacrificing small furry animals) to various deities to maintain their beauty and youth.

No, now they've started entrusting their wrinkle-free skin and shiny hair to the hands of the big "S" - Science. Don't get me wrong - I know that science and technology have done wonders for us...where would we be without Facebook and Tivo and lasers and those little robot dogs....oh and all those other boring things like life-saving medical interventions and such. Yup. I'm all for Science, and I'm sure that Science has done great things for women's self-esteem and cellulite over the last while.

But when it comes to the infusion of Science into the world of beauty marketing, I think the PR Reps and the Ad agencies have been sniffing a little too much Botox.

Case in point:

The anti-aging treatment that's sweeping Europe now comes to America, without the needle. Mesojection™ Healthy Cell Serum helps prevent free-radical damage that causes lines, wrinkles and discoloration by delivering a customized blend of antioxidants and peptides to the deepest layers of the skin. It rejuvenates skin's surface for younger skin tone, texture, and a renewed vitality and reduces lipid peroxide formulation
(which causes skin to "wither" with age) by 24%.

This is pulled from an ad for Doctor’s Dermatologic Formula Mesojection Health Cell Serum from Sephora.com. If the name of this miracle product isn't enough of a clue, its description is positively pulsing with science-speak.

I'm sorry, but I long for the simplicity of good old Ivory Soap or Noxzema face cream. In the good old days, a typical commercial for Noxzema involved a fresh-faced girl splashing water on her Noxzema'd face and grinning into the camera and telling us how fresh and clean her skin felt now that she'd found Noxzema. And we believed her, because she looked so gosh-darned happy (and clean)!

Apparently, we've become a far more skeptical lot. We don't quite seem to believe that something's good for us unless someone with a white lab-coat and glasses poised on the tip of their nose tells us that, scientifically speaking, the "Dermatologic Formula Mesojection Health Cell Serum" works. Or the "Amatokin Emulsion", for that matter. Klein-Becker USA extolls the futuristic virtues of this product on Sephora.com:

StriVectin-SD® Eye Cream is a multi-action orbital eye area perfector enriched with Striadril, a key compound containing patented pentapeptides that help to significantly improve the appearance of fine lines by aiding the build up of collagen.

A multi-action orbital eye area perfector, you say? Well, as long as it contains patented pentapeptides!

Here's another one of my personal favourites, a good old-fashioned wrinkle cream from the people at Klein-Becker (who must have a laboratory to rival the Centres for Disease Control). Now, here we truly have a scientific break-through in the name of prettiness, Amatokin Emulsion for the face:

A profound advancement in the skin-care sciences, Amatokin™ is the first and only topical compound shown to highlight the expression of stem cell markers in skin. Its functional isolates have been clinically shown to dramatically reduce the appearance of both deep and superficial wrinkles, as well as skin discoloration associated with photo-aging.

STEM CELLS? What, are you kidding me? Okay, maybe there really are lotions and potions that highlight the expression of stem cell markers in skin; but why do I have the sneaking suspicion that this would have absolutely no effect on my crow's feet beyond that offered in a simple bottle of Oil of Olay? And it doesn't stop there! No, stem-cells are just the tip of the molecular iceberg. How about some genetic re-engineering?

Developed by Dr. Daniel B. Yarosh, a molecular biologist with a specialty in gene repair, Remergent is backed by better than twenty years of research and clinical study. Dr. Yarosh, who gained experience as an expert in DNA repair at the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, pioneered the development of a unique molecular delivery system. The patented technology is based on inserting repair enzymes into liposomes (nanometer lipid sacs) which are small, pure and agile enough to deliver payload ingredients at the cellular level.

Okay, this is borderline spooky, and may or may not result in a race of mutated (but really good looking!) zombie women. Yet when a grave-looking dude with a lab-coat taps his pen against his clip-board and spouts some meaningless stats about the efficacy of functional isolates or repair enzymes, we lap it up like a cat with a bowl of cream. Science really has taken on an other-worldy power to persuade us, even if we have no freaking clue what Dr. Panderer, M.D., is going on about in his/her commercials on the Home Shopping Network.

As usual, I'm not quite sure what my point is. Hey, I've got nothing against these products. There's no way I can afford most of their astronomical prices (Hey, highlighting stem-cells isn't cheap!), so for all I know, they work wonders.

I guess I'm just suggesting that we turn a close eye on these products, and try to figure out what it is about Science-y buzzwords and test tubes and syringes and lab coats that attracts us so? Hm...maybe it's time to go back to basics; to embrace simplicity, to go out and buy a jar of Noxzema.